Marathons, New Appliances, Terrorism and IEDs

This was a marathon social weekend for the Carlsons. Friday night I had to stop at the store on the way home to grab some chicken, celantro, and Rotel, then come home, put the chicken pieces in salted water to cook while making a big batch of enchilada sauce--a big pot of water with oregano, granulated garlic, and salt is infused with a beautiful light brown rue of vegetable oil and flour, with a massive amount of delicious red brick colored New Mexico chili powder stirred in quickly so as not to burn. There's also this special ingredient in the water mixture--1/2 t. peanut butter. Creamy, not chunky. I know you're saying "Huh, peanut butter!! What the hell is that all about?" Have you ever eaten red chili sauce and it had a rather bitter taste to it? Not very enjoyable to say the least, and especially if you LOVE Mexican food the way I do. Well, peanut oil keeps the chili from turning bitter if you scorch it just a bit when cooking it in the rue. You can use peanut oil to do the rue, then no peanut butter is needed, but just a tad of peanut butter will keep that nasty bitter taste away. And that can make all the difference in the world. Thank you Mr. Gutierrez for that great tip, and all the knowledge and recipes for the fantastic Mexican food I learned to cook in my ten year tenure at Alfredo's! It keeps the men in my life, from 70 to 10, very happy, along with lots of friends and family members.

After stirring any and all lumps out with a wire whisk, you boil until the consistency of thick cream. I'll have to post the recipe later, as I still do a handful of this and dash of that. So until I get it down to measurements...well, you get the idea. Anyway, after this delicious rich sauce was cooked to perfection, the burner was turned off while a shower ensued. After all, no one wants to smell like garlic, chili powder and oil when they're going out.

So an hour later saw us at the Sacred Bean for open mic night, and Roy performed for the 2nd time. The audience and the musicians were different this week. Also the set up. Now there were no comfortable chairs, carpet had been removed for a wooden floor set up as a "stage" with too much large sound equipment pumping out too much volume for such an intimate setting. Also huge theatre lights were hooked up to the ceiling aimed at the stage like laser blasters. Not just one of two for ambience, but 8, I'm telling you, eight huge frigging lights. Jeez, so much for the nice coffee shop sharing peoples' talents with each other and having a good time. Now it's friggin' American Idol.

And instead of nice amateur local musicians, some of whom were trying to get their name out there and possibly have a following, and maybe cut a CD or two to sell to fans, now the pros were coming in to hawk their gigs. Too loud, too annoying, taking over something that was good and innocent and comforting and like family. So while Roy did perform, it was only 2 songs, and he didn't have the spirit of past performances--having fun and entertaining friends. But Jack came by and hung out, and then about 9:15pm when we were leaving, Steve and Bev showed up with the friends with whom they'd gone out to dinner. They were sorry to be late, Genovesse's was crowded and took awhile to serve, and who wants to gobble down stupendous Italian food? No problem. We all stood around outside for about 45 minutes and talked and laughed and visited and had a good time. But then we had to go home, get some rest, and recharge for the next day's activities.

Next morning I was up at 5:30am to finish making those enchiladas. First, had to finish making the chicken filling. Sometimes when you get chicken tacos or enchiladas, you just get plain lifeless dead shredded chicken meat inside. Well, that tastes like crap and is just laziness as far as I'm concerned. I like my chicken with flavor. So to that end, you pull the chicken meat off the bones and shred it in medium size shred into a pot. To the pot add a diced onion, diced celery, celantro, oregano, granulated garlic, salt, pepper, cumin, and a can of diced tomatoes. I prefer the fire roasted tomatoes myself...extra flavor. Then salt and pepper, a diced dill pickle (yes, you heard me, all chicken enchiladas need a dash of pickle in them) and chicken broth saved from cooking the chicken, to cover all. Stir together to mix, then bring to a boil. Simmer about 15 minutes then turn off the flame. While the chicken is cooling, peel four medium yellow onions, and do a small dice, putting the diced onions into a bowl. At this point, put the enchilada sauce on to heat, and thin a bit if necessary. Also put on a fry pan with about 1-2" of vege oil in it and bring it to a medium high. And put shredded colby, jack, or colby-jack cheese into a large bowl. Then I got out the disposable aluminum 13x9 cake pans to put the enchiladas into for heating in the oven.

Sure wish my fingers still tolerated the heat like they did at the restaurant. Those tortillas get so damn hot when you're trying to roll them! So I proceeded to dip 56 corn tortillas into hot oil to cook, then into enchilada sauce to soften and flavor, and then roll up chicken and shredded cheese in 26 of them, and cheese and onions in the rest, sprinkle cheese over the top of each, then ladel enchilada sauce over all and cover to take with us to Camp Verde.

Next is the salsa. Now I used to make it completely from scratch, chopping up fresh tomatoes, charring fresh anaheim chilis to peel, seed and chop, etc. Well, using Rotel diced tomatoes with chilis sure is easier, and everyone loves it, so why go through all that hassle. So I pour out two cans of Rotel into a big bowl with a snap on top, pour in a can of fire roasted diced tomatoes, jazz it up with diced fresh yellow onions, freshly chopped celantro, a little oregano and cumin, and a small can or two of diced green chilis, add a little salt and pepper and granulated garlic to taste, and voila...killer salsa! I love the kudos and looks of ecstacy as everyone dips those chips in for huge scoops of fantastic salsa into their mouths.

So again, off to the showers to get the Mexican restaurant smell off, then we head over the mountain to the next valley...the Verde Valley...and Camp Verde. Today is my son Jason's 39th birthday. Shit...where have the years gone!? I can't believe it was 39 years ago I was laying in that shit hole Globe-Miami Inspiration Hospital, no epidural, no anesthesia, trying to push a 16.5cm head out of my privates. As Bill Cosby said, if you want this experience, just try pulling your lower lip up over your face over the top of your head...that's about how it feels. But it sure was worth it. The only good thing that came out of the first marriage, but boy it sure was a very very good thing.

Plus, he and the family are leaving for Pittsburgh tomorrow morning. After a lay off, he was offered a position with Dick's Sporting Goods, and it was a great job and the people and company are super. So he took it. It wasn't an easy decision, leaving friends and family to move across the U.S. when your wife is rather adverse to leaving AZ since she hadn't been out of Camp Verde much less out of AZ for most of her life. Still only having been to CA and Mexico, this move was not pleasing her much, and being that far from her Mom, that wasn't setting very well either. Add to that many friends right in their neighborhood, along with a very close and wonderful friend whom has been fighting cancer for several years, and you can see how it would be a very difficult transition. But we have all given them the "new adventure" "new friends, new places" talk and she is now going along with the program, with the stipulation that if she really hates it, after a year he will seek employment back in AZ. Plus, she's getting kinda jazzed about going to NYC, up into New England for the Fall Foliage, and she's always good to go with snow mobiling, ATV riding, etc. She did a bang up job cleaning, patching, and painting everything in the houes before Jason came back to load them and the rest of the things the movers didn't take into a UHaul, leaving him with just a couple dump runs and loading up to do. She rocks!! Well, it's not like I want them so far away, but I'm very proud of him doing what needs to be done to support his family and keep their lives going forward instead of dropping into a cesspool like so many have in these times of unemployment and recession.

Anyway, I digress. So over the hill we go with food, school supplies, birthday presents, cards and things to take on the trip for the boys (disposable cameras, books, magazines, candy, and yoyos!), a gift for Jenn for moving stress relief--chocolate and bath items, along with ice and lime aid for the margaritas! It was a good party. Lots of talk, laughter, margaritas (made not only with tequila, triple sec, lime aid and ice, but a good dose of Dos Equis beer also...different but very good), and meeting new people, everyone was very congenial, and I kept the tears out of it until the very last minute good byes.

During the course of the day, Jason and Roy and I had time to be alone a bit and I was chastised big time by the son. He basically said I was being a chicken shit. I, the one nicknamed Crazy Jane and for good reason in my younger days, was whimping out in my later years and making excuses not to follow my heart. Roy and I have been discussing first a vacation to Uruguay, and then in the last couple months, just going there for a year. An adventure. This entails my quitting my job. A job that affords us savings, 403b, medical/dental/vision/disability insurance, paid time off in vacation/sick leave/personal leave, etc., Virginia State Employee retirement benefits come age 65, and bi-monthly pay checks. This is a big deal in this economy, and a big jump off a cliff to just throw out the door. However, this job also comes along with a new site director 3 years ago that is going to kill me. She is so utterly unqualified, unprepared, and worthless for this job, it makes both myself and the other assistant director, nuts on a daily basis. She is so clueless, even after three years, that it's quite unbelieveable the stupid shit things she continues to do. She is so busy memorizing the catalog, that she doesn't get out and do the marketing, relationship building and glad handing that must be done and is part of the job in keeping the site's numbers growing. She is the world's biggest procrastinator, thus making emergencies on everyone else's part due to her lack of taking care of business, a daily occurrence. I truly need one of those "lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part" signs over my desk...but she wouldn't get it or think it was about students and not her. She has pawned off her work on me for three years, and now when the Regional Director has told her she needs to be doing the financial paperwork, she calls me into her office every month to watch over her as she does it so she doesn't make any errors. Instead of just looking at the previous month's forms as to how to fill them out (like I had to do), she has me take time out of what I'm doing to literally stand over her and watch her fill out the forms. I love my job, and even when the students drive me crazy I still like my students, but this one I just want to put my hands around her neck and squeeze until the bones pop most days. Or throw a glass of iced water in her face. Or....okay, gotta get off this track. Roy has already locked up all the guns just in case. I guess postal workers aren't the only ones that go nuts over bureaucratic bullshit.

Anyway, this is why my husband has begged me to quit the job. And I have come to the reality that it must be done, I'm just scared to death to let it go. Well, so there comes the "chicken shit" comment from Jason. So, basically he said, quit the job and go after your dream now, as Roy isn't getting any younger and has health problems, and you're no spring chicken yourself Mom, and you need to do this Uruguay thing. Go live your dreams, as you won't know if it's good or bad until you do it. And it's better to say, "Shit, this was a total blow" rather than wondering the rest of your life what could have been. The old addage that when old people are asked what they regret in their lives, the regretable thingsare the ones they didn't do, not the things they did that didn't turn out 100%, comes to mind here. And Jason was addamant that we just needed to do it. Screw anyone who questioned our sanity; I was free white and well over 21 and it just wasn't anyone's business. We were specifically talking about sister Barbara, as I know she's going to go ballistic on me for this one. Irresponsible; baby boomer; class of 69; weird selfish behavior; all of these will be part of the lecture. Oh well, no more c.s. behavior....we ARE going to do this.

So, kisses and hugs and photos, and we're on our way home. However, as we leave, oldest grandson Zachary, whom Nana seems to have a bit of an affinity with, goes out the back door of the house and around the corner to meet us on our way out. He opens the back door, and says "Hey, plenty of room for me back here.You can just take me home with you." That did it. Nana bursts into tears. If he only knew how much I adored him and wish to God I could do just that. He is a big piece of my heart and I adore this boy. If I thought I could get away with it, or if I thought his parents would even consider it, I'd take him home with us in a heart beat. But knowing I needed to do and say the right thing for his sake at this point, I tell him while there's nothing more I'd like to do, his Dad would know exactly where he was and hunt me down and kick my butt if I took his eldest son and tried to steal away with him . I told him he was to be a good boy and make me proud; that he had a huge adventure ahead of him learning about a whole new part of the U.S., making new friends, going to places Nana had never been. That he needed to take photos, and call me on Skype and keep me informed of all his new experiences, and I'd be sure to call him too. And if we couldn't get back for Christmas, then I would send him a plane ticket to come visit over the winter break. So, more kisses and hugs, and we were off, with more tears as we went back over the mountain. HOwever, between the tears, were good talks on plans to go make OUR adventure come true. I have a wonderful fantastic hubby who is always in my corner, and it's not fair to not give him his dream adventure, so it's going to happen.

Sunday came with less pain in my heart, and more things to do. However, this is where it becomes clear as a shot of silver tequila that eggplants are against me. It actually started yesterday, when I put an eggplant--large, smooth skinned and dark aubergine--into the gas grill. I was making baba ganoush for a party at George's house Sunday evening, and one of the recipes said that grilling them actuallly gave it a nice smokey flavor. So, to that end, into the grill it went. Well, then all the salsa making, enchilada rolling, showering, etc. took place. The next thing I knew, I was miles down the road heading for I-17 and realized I'd left the damn grill on and the eggplant inside. Calling my sweet niece Mindy, I asked her if she'd go over and turn off the grill. Just forget about the eggplant...it was a chunk of carbon by now, probably looking like a large charcoal briquet. My concern was not setting the forest on fire. Sweet girl said she'd go right over.

So while watching CBS Sunday Morning, I decide if I put the other 2 eggplants on the grill, then I'd probably forget about them also, so what the f..k, I'd put them in the oven and forego the smokey flavor. Actually, there would be some, because as miracles do happen the eggplant I'd thought was charcoal actually was perfect so it was saved.

Well, about 52 minutes later, 8 minutes from the timer going off on the eggplants, Roy and I were having a conversation about Uruguay when there was a huge explosive BOOM! It shook the entire RV, and left us starring at each other and asking "What the hell was that??" I stood up and immediately the disaster was seen. Eggplant was hanging off the edges of the oven door. There were green and dark brown splotches all over the floor, up the steps into the bedroom, across the bathroom floor in front of the water closet, and hanging on the propane "sniffer" under the bottom step. I opened the oven door, and was aghast. There laid a portion of eggplant top with shards attached and chunks of fucking eggplant everywhere inside my clean oven. Dripping off the rack, stuck in the crevies and holes, everywhere!

This Middle Eastern vegetable was a terrorist! It committed Jihad in my clean oven, tried to blow off the frikkin' oven door and kill us with it's noxious smell. It was an IED...Incendiary Eggplant Device. A random act of violence from the Middle East. Shit, what a mess.

Roy goes to breakfast on Sunday mornings with some friends of his. I affectionately call the group the BBC--Boys' Breakfast Club. Well, he saw his opening, and off he escaped with the boys. Speaking of Chicken Sit! I turned off the oven, removed the one whole eggplant for preservation and use in the baba ganoush, and removed the oven rack and put it outside on the patio. I then proceeded to clean up the outside of the oven, the floors, the walls, the steps, etc. In the middle of this disgusting endeavor, I knocked 44 oz. of Italian soda over the back of the kitchen counter on to the living room floor/carpet. During a plethora of disgusitng cussing--"shit, piss, damn, hell, what the f..k is going on" kind of cussing--I grabbed towels from the cupboard and soaked up that mess and threw all the ice cubes into the sink while throwing the now empty glass into the sink with the ice. I'm not talking euphemisms here...I was literally throwing things and cussing at this point. It wasn't pretty, nor very lady like, but hey, that's not where I was at that point!

When Roy came home, the entire place was clean. Floors had been swept and mopped; carpets had been wiped up and vacuumed; things had been put away, all dishes washed, counters cleared and shiny. He said "Oh look you've cleaned everything up." with this sympathetic look on his face, feeling sorry for my shitty morning and the eggplant explosion. However, at that point, I pulled open the oven door and told him "Not this...just the rest of the mess. I refuse to clean this up. I am NOT kneeling on my knees with my head stuffed into this little tiny oven for hours, feeling like Hansel & Gretel with the witch turning on the gas, scraping this shit eggplant off of every surface and nook and cranny. I'm NOT doing it. I will call Merry Maids and pay to have it cleaned before I do it. I never want to see another f..king eggplant in my life!!!!" That night in bed, prior to drifting off to sleep, he said "If I was a loving and wonderful husband, I'd probably clean up the stove for you, huh?" I affirmed his question, but told him if he didn't it didn't matter, as I was NOT doing it and I would just call Merry Maids to do the scum work.

The baba ganoush was made. And then I went on to make the hummus--even though the oven remained the scene of terrorism and mishap. I brought out my mini food chopper, dumped in 1/2 can of garbanzo beans with a bit of olive oil and the juice from the beans and proceeded to hold down the button to grind up the beans. Low and behold, this tiny little chopper which I had purchased after selling a perfectly fantastic Cuisinart food processor when we moved from our beautiful home into our tin can, couldn't even puree a damn cooked bean! This was the last straw. Besides finding the house clean, and hearing my rampage about not cleaning the f..ked up oven, hubby had to hear that a shopping trip for a new food processor was about to commence. Big Lots, Tuesday Morning, Goodwill, and finally WalMart were canvassed for a new full sized machine. Home it came, and in went garbanzos, garlic, lemon juice, tahini, and cayenne...and puree away! It came out beautifully and delicioius. A sprinkle of paprika and fresh chopped parsley, and snap on the lid, chop the pita bread into wedges, pack all and the chips up and away we go!

So, although the Baba was a bit salty (I'd measured all the ingredients for 3 eggplant into the bowl and alas the evil terrorist eggplant was not around after its suicide therefore making the recipe's salt too much), everyone enjoyed it and the hummus. We had a wonderful time; George's house was beautiful; the guests were all fun and mellow; and we listened to a new artist we'd never heard...Zucchero. From Italy, a superb musician, singer and show man, the DVD of his show at Royal Albert Hall in England, was amass with celebrities known and unknown to us, and lead Roy to purchase a new CD when we got home.

So, other than IEDs, terrorist Middle Eastern vegetables, a broken heart, and a horrible temper tantrum and clean up, it was a good weekend. Now, back to work for another week of bullshit and tongue biting. But this time I know I will NOT continue to be a chicken shit for long...a few months or weeks, and I'll be printing, signing and turning in one of the many letters of resignation I've written in the last 3 years. Viva Uruguay! F..k Eggplant!!

BARBARA CARLSON' HUMMUS
(See post "Shuffling Off to Buffalo...NY That Is" 7/30/09 for this recipe)

BABA GANOUSH
Ingredients
1 large eggplant
1/4 cup tahini, plus more as needed
3 garlic cloves, minced
1/4 cup fresh lemon juice, plus more as needed
1 pinch ground cumin
salt, to taste
1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil
1 tablespoon chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley
1/4 cup brine-cured black olives, such as kalamata
Directions
1. Prepare a medium-hot fire in a charcoal grill.
2. Preheat an oven to 375°F.
Prick the eggplant with a fork in several places and place on the grill rack 4 to 5 inches from the fire.
3. Grill, turning frequently, until the skin blackens and blisters and the flesh just begins to feel soft, 10 to 15 minutes.
4. Transfer the eggplant to a baking sheet and bake until very soft, 15 to 20 minutes.
5. Remove from the oven, let cool slightly, and peel off and discard the skin.
6. Place the eggplant flesh in a bowl.
7. Using a fork, mash the eggplant to a paste.
8. Add the 1/4 cup tahini, the garlic, the 1/4 cup lemon juice and the cumin and mix well.
9. Season with salt, then taste and add more tahini and/or lemon juice, if needed.
10. Transfer the mixture to a serving bowl and spread with the back of a spoon to form a shallow well.
11. Drizzle the olive oil over the top and sprinkle with the parsley.
12. Place the olives around the sides.
13. Serve at room temperature.

Insomnia Can Be Pretty Funny

Living in a small space has its advantages. Now there are disadvantages, to be sure, but right now I want to say the biggest advantage is the bedroom. It puts the "cuddle" into the Carlson Cuddle Coach. It has a bump out that creates a nice little alcove where the top two feet of the bed cuddles in. It's not dark and ominous, as there are small windows on each side which have shades that can be open or closed depending on time of day and season. The alcove has a shaped valance with light cherry wood on the sides to match the wood on the cabinets, vanity, and dresser. To make it even more cuddly we made one of a couple of stupendous decisions upon first moving in--we ousted the cheap mattress and put in a Tempurpedic knock off. Not a cheap knock off, but nothing close to the exorbitant cost of the real thing. It's supportive but delicious when the warmth and weight of your body make it supple enough to mold around you. We also have a down comforter that keeps us warm and snuggly on cold winter nights, and is covered by my gorgeous (if I say so myself) prize winning purple and white quilt (not shown in the photo...will have to get one of it and repost when I have it in place). So it's a feast to the senses in that bedroom, a nice haven on a cold rainy blustery night, or a place to stretch out and read or be with your own thoughts. Small refuges like this are needed when one lives in a small space, especially with a spouse or partner. It avoids your having to rip out their hearts in stressful times.

Now, one of the down sides is that when I wake up at 2:30 in the morning with twelve thousand things going through my mind, but I'm not in the mood to go do any of them because I don't want to get cold, I turn on my light and read for awhile. I always have a book or two, several magazines, and those little ad cards that are in magazines (and which really tick me off) under my pillows. And I have my glasses, several in fact ranging 2.0, 2.25, 2.5, 2.75, and usually 3.0, lying on a little shelf next to the bed. Now you might think well doesn't that bother Roy? Well, then you don't know Roy. Roy could sleep through a class 5 hurricane, a train wreck, the howling of banshees (or coyotes which often happens), or any number of disturbing events that would have me awake for the rest of the night. So usually, I am not being rude, as he doesn't even notice.

However, this morning was different. I awoke at a bit past 2 a.m. I laid there awhile hoping to go back to sleep, but when it became obvious that wasn't going to happen, I turned on the light, picked up my book and glasses and began to read. It wasn't long before Roy had gotten up and gone to the w.c. When he came back to bed, he was rather awake. At that time he told me his cousin had emailed him and had turned in a script/outline of a TV show to someone in Hollywood. It had been rejected but she had given him an outline of it. It was basically her life, but she had another kid who was a gay male child who was 6'6" tall. Roy surmised that it must be rough for a 6'6" gay man in the world. Because it was early in the morning, the conversation deteriorated from here.

He wondered aloud if the animal kingdom had gay animals. I said I thought most animals would just jump anything in proximity--just ask my Mom about Ernie and her foot or Sumie and Dusty's "girlfriend" pillow. I mean male dogs will hump anything any time, so does that make them gay or just horney? And I've seen those monkeys in travel adventure shows that just seem to be strolling along and then jump on another monkey and ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee, they're done! This reminds me of a couple of guys I've dated in my life...but I digress.

Well, at this point something clicked in my sick brain and these little movies started to play. I saw this big eyed bushy tailed raccoon with it's larger than life roly poly butt, standing upright with its little front paws insides facing forward sashaying through the forest. Raccoons have a propensity toward waddling rolling butts and steatopygia. This fits in perfectly with strutting and mincing steps of the gay raccoon in my mind. "What about a gay raccoon, can't you just see him strutting his little flaming self through the forest, saying "hey anyone have any nuts?" and the rest of the raccoons giving him mean looks?" And what about a gay skunk. But then why would anyone want to have a relationship with a skunk?

Do skunks mind how they smell? If I smelled like that I sure wouldn't want anyone near me much less thinking about sex. It would be "Get the hell away from me...I stink". Roy says maybe they treat the stench poofs like humans do farts. It's annoying but kinda funny, so they make bad jokes about it. "Wow, do you have to do that inside?" "Next time you better go outside if you're going to let loose like that." "Hey, pull my paw...hehehehe." Many years ago I had a brief but delightful encounter with a gentleman from Mississippi, an arts and theatre teacher who adored big women and was amazingly fun, virile and romantic. He told me of an uncle of his who had a recliner for about 25 years. It was way past its prime, but a new one was not to be tolerated. So when he finally passed into the next realm of his recliner life, his aunt had him and a cousin tote it out of the living room and into the cousin's truck to take to the dump. He said when they took the cushion off, he smelled just like ol' uncle's farts. SO my mind went to the Skunk Family home and ..."Hey don't do that in my chair. Uncle Stinky did that all the time and when he died and we had to take the chair to the dump, it smelled like skunky stench!" The sleep starved mind deteriorated from there to "I wonder if when they get old if they're like those old people who walk through the market going putt putt putt down the aisles, and they just walk through the forest going poof poof poof as their little stinky sphincters wear out too? "

By now I was in complete and utter hysteria. I could hardly catch my breath, tears were streaming down my face, and I was in peril of wetting the bed. As I was trying to speak, I could hardly be understood, and Roy was cracking up at my complete and utter breakdown and how much glee I was getting from my own perverse and random animal fart thoughts. The laughter and mayhem finally subsided, and we both drifted off to sleep, but remarks continued during the process of getting ready for work, and I'm sure new ones will come up as the days go by. I reiterated the story to my friend Johnny, who was cracking up and saying I had best get more sleep. He may be right, but it wouldn't be as much fun!

Yes, We Have No Bananas...or Do We???

It's Sunday night, exactly two days ago the weekend of Banana Madness began. That's what I'm calling it.


It all began with an innocent email requesting anyone whose garden is inundated with zucchini, or any other type of fresh grown vegies, and whom might want to relieve themselves of an over abundance of produce, to please give me a heads up and I'd be happy to take it off their hands. It was a plea of compassion from my dehydrator and canner, as they have been unemployed for much too long a time and needed to find work..quickly!


I had several answers that they did not do a garden this year---one was traveling, and one lived in a condo, so that was out. Then my friend John called and said innocentlyl enough "Hey would you like some bananas?" Seems his partner David had a thing with one of the markets that if they had produce that needed to be taken off the shelves as had gone past its prime for sale, they gave it to him for his compositing. He has, (due to this and becoming practically erotic over finding bags of leaves beside the road, also taking them home to his composite heap), the best garden soil and the most abundant organic garden of anyone I know.


Not being one to look a gift (free) horse in the mouth, I said yes to the bananas. So we met at Costco that evening and along with some Dubliner cheese and omeprazole OTC, I took home 40 pounds of bananas.


In case you don't know it, that's one hell of a lot of f..cking bananas!! And also in case you didn't know it, 2 huge boxes of monkey food in a 31' RV is REALLY aromatic. The esthers (explained by my hubby) were intoxicating. But I didn't care. I was in banana rama heaven. So I began processing the bananas. I pulled the dehydrator out of the shed, and proceeded to slice up bananas, filling all 5 trays. While peeling and slicing, the bananas that seemed a bit too ripe for the dehydrator went into another bowl. Or, they were put into snack sized zip bags, 3 to a bag as that's the amount needed for my banana bread recipe from the original The Silver Palate cookbook. This is by far the best banana bread recipe I've ever tasted. The addition of whole wheat flour enhances the flavor with a nutty layer that is so good with the bananas, and also with the walnuts. And it will be in this blog. These bags went into the freezer. And I went to bed after dealing with 14 pounds of the bananas and having a long way to go. When I got home, I sliced 8 pounds of bananas and put them on the dehydrator. The rush to process prior to over ripeness has begun!


The next day hubby took 6 pounds of bananas to the laundry mat with him to give to Les and Marge and another lady there. I went off to work, but upon arriving home began working on the bananas again. I turned over the chips to get them to dry faster, and made 2 loaves of banana bread. The making of banana bread had begun. Flour, sugar, butter, whole wheat flour, vanilla, and of course 2 boxes of bananas, littered my already somewhat disshevled RV. Now every inch of table, counter space, couch & floor space, were eaten up by pans, food, and cooking paraphenalia. Plus tomorrow was the hubby's birthday!


So, we went out to Denny's for breakfast the next morning, after giving him his Star Wars card and his new watch, as part of my fun little birthday celebration for him. I named it the OLD FART'S FREEBIE BIRTHDAY BASH. He later changed it to the Freebie Birthday Banana Bash for obvious reasons. But we had a nice breakfast, and then had to go to several stores and places to pick up groceries, perscriptions, canning jars, a strainer and a large muffin tin. At each place we went, I took a photo to chronicle his birthday. When we got home, I was going to take him to a freebie birthday movie, but alas after looking at all the choices, he decided there wasn't any he'd like to see and would rather take a nap. At this time it occurred to me that he just might poop out on me for the rest of the list of freebies I had managed to put together for his special day.


But being as he was taking a nap, I used the time for more adventures in bananaville. To that end, loaves of banana bread were baked, 2 banana cakes, one loaf of gluten free banana bread using coconut flour as an experiment was made--the patient died. However, I think I may have come up with a new building material that would be impervious to any kind of weather and have an R factor of 98.


Then I made b.b. (banana bread) and baked it in 1 pint wide mouthed canning jars. I got this idea from my wonderful friend and super gardener Iris, as this is how she makes and stores her persimmon bread. Now, there are several secrets to making this a success. First and foremost, don't fill the jars over 1/2 full. The bread expands as it cooks, and if you put in too much it will rise over the top of the edge and you can't get the damn canning lids on it! Yes, the first batch had to be trimmed off with a very sharp serated knife so as not to mess up the bread. But then you put on the lid and the band, and screw down the band tightly, and in a few moments you are rewarded with the unmistakeable "thunk" of the jars sealing. The bread can be kept in the pantry for over a year, thus not taking up room in the freezer, or getting freezer burn and dryingout. The other secret is before you fill them, you MUST grease the insideof the jars very well. If not, you may have to eat the bread out of the jar with a spoon. Also, be SURE to use only a wide mouth jar, because again, if you use a regular jar, you will not be able to get the bread out and will end up having to eat it out of the jar with a spoon.


A dozen jars are now in the pantry. Eight with Banana Bread--No Nutes 8/15/o9, and four with Banana Bread w/Pecans 8/15/09 on their labels. Four loaves of bread and 2 cakes are also cooling on the table, with more baggies in the freezer, and a bowl of mashed bananas that are turning a rather disgusting shade of brown, is still on the counter. At this juncture, hubby wakes up, and we decide to go get him his freebie ice cream cone from Baskin Robbins, along with the requisite photo of him enjoying it. I opt for a diet lime aid from Sonic,which when I got to pick it up, sloshes all over me and the floor of the car as the lid was not on tightly. Sigh!!


After that and a little ride to the post office, we are again back home. Roy is making noises about the smell of the bananas--later he will say that's why he was in a stupor and weinied out on all the fun birthday activities of the evening,but I know that's such crap. He's just a party pooper.


So alas, we did not go to Dry Gulch Steakhouse for his freebie birthday dinner; we did not meet tons of friends at Coyoto Joe's to listen to Cheektones, and we did not go to the movies. Safeway's offer of a free birthday movie rental was null and void as they have since gone to the big red box where you pick you movie, put in your debit/credit card, and take it home to watch. Since it belongs to a private business, not Safeway, the offer has gone by the wayside.


So, back to sleep for him, and more bananas for me. I removed the 5 trays from the dehydrator and put the crunchy little banana chip morsels into a glass gallon jar I had purchased, and began slicing up more bananas. This time I notice that even more bananas are ripe then for the last batch, so more go into zip bags for the freezer. Another batch of canning jar bread is made, and a batch of The Big Banana muffins are made using a particular obnoxious baking pan where the individual portions are shaped like penises. These I figured I'd give to a couple of equally demented friends of mine...rather like me. I also take 6 pounds of bananas to other people in the park who said they'd love them to make banana bread. Rats, there go 6 people whom I could have given away banana bread to!!


Sunday I give Roy 2 loaves of banana bread to take with him to his BBC..Boys' Breakfast Club...get together. Lou & Hank each got some, but alas Jack had to be told of the GF Banana Bread debaucle. I was good to him and hadn't sent the brick b.b. to him, but had fed it to the garbage can. Everyone is better off! While he was gone, I dispatched a few items of clutter around the house, made sure all the dishes were washed and caught up, frosted 1 of the banana cakes and sent it to Mindy, removed another batch of dehydrated banana chips to the jar and filled up the dehydrator again, and realized I had not made the Blue Cheese & Bacon quiche which I had told Francesco at the Sacred Bean I would bring to him that day. SO bananas were put on the back burner. At this point, I have to admit I'm getting damn sick of dealing with bananas and am thinking that the Salvation Army or Heritage Park Zoo might be amicable or even ecstatic to receiving the rest of the quickly browning banana-esther admitting bananas.


I made 6 individual quiches resplendent with soft velvety blue cheese batter with chunks of smokey bacon and chives. The crust was strong but flakey, and they came out perfectly. I called Roy and told him not to run the errands I'd asked him to do after breakfast, but to come right how. He did, and we took one of the quiche to Francesco. However, he was not there today until late afternoon, so had to leave it there for him to enjoy later. We sat and talked to George for awhile and met Kevin. Then ran to Fry's market to pick up some vegies and other items for making kimchee, Spinach & Ricotta ravioli, and canning dilly beans, pickled carrots, pickled hot cauliflower, and other canned delights for the pantry. Fall is in the air, and my thoughts turn to putting up the abundance of the harvest for the cold bleak days of winter. I am such a frustrated farmer's wife at heart!


After marketing, we went by friends Scott & Gigi to give her back a book she'd lent me (Don't Sweat The Small Stuff At Work---if you fantasize about how you are going to quit your job, where you're going to tell your boss to shove it, or squeezing the life out of your boss with you bare hands, this is MUST reading. Thank you Gigi...you've calmed down my baser instincts dramatically), and to leave her a couple of the Bleu Cheese Bacon quiches. Gigi is crazy over bacon. And after making her bacon muffins for her birthday, I found out she did indeed adore bleu cheese also, so this was a match made in heaven for this crazy little woman (not from Kansas City, but did 2 weeks of training there recently). Alas, they were not home. But since we house/dog sit for them on occassion, we had the key, so left a phone message about breaking and entering, and that we'd left the book and goodies for them on the little table just inside the front entry, and we had taken precautions to their privacy by opening the door just a crack and hollering in to make sure they were indeed not at home so we wouldn't walk in if mad monkey sex were taking place, and apologized profusely for being so blatant as to use our key when we were not house sitting, but just didn't want to make another trip across town but did want to leave them the goodies. Hopefully they are still our friends and won't have us arrested for this rather bold act.


Upon arriving back home, I had to agree that the banana smell was becoming quite overwhelming. Our saving grace was that gorillas, organgutans, or vicious chimpanzees did not live in the forest behind us, or we would certainly have been attacked and ripped apart in their frenzy from smelling all of these bananas. I'd had it with the banana marathon at this point, figured we had plenty of back up for the winter, and so took the final 7 pounds of banans to Dan to feed to his little zoo of raccoons, skunks, squirrels, javelina, and whatever else found its way to his home during his feedings. Alas, they are gone!!


John had called on Saturday to wish Roy happy birthday, and left a closing remark as to whether I was out selling banana creme pies on the street. Damn!! I hadn't thought about banana creme pies! Maybe Dan hadn't fed them to the critters yet???? Let it go, let it go!!!


So with the bananas out of our home, amd the bleu cheese quiche delivered, I proceeded to shove a can of Hansen's mandarin lime all natural soda (didn't have a can of beer) up a fryer's ass after covering it with Cinnamon Chipotle rub, and put it on the bbq to cook. Then I made a Zucchini & Onion tart with a cornflake bottom and crunchy top to go with the chicken. Instead of monterry jack I used Dubliner cheese. Much more flavorful with that sharp white cheddar tang of a good aged cheese. It was delicious. This is a fabulous side dish, or a main course along with a salad and some good bread, especially for my vegetarian friends. It was damn good with the chicken.


Well, I can now retire happy in the thought that we will have banana chips, mashed bananas for future baking, banana bread, and banana muffins all ready and waiting come the bleak winter. And that there will be some very happy raccoons tonight. Still have to find a home for the one last banana cake, and deliver the wee The Big Banana muffins to a couple of friends, but that will be easy after this weekend.
So here are the recipes from the Freebie Birthday Banana Bash and Banana Madness weekend. Enjoy. And remember folks, if you're offered 40 pounds of bananas, make sure you are ready to spend 3 days of processing and cooking time, smell like a giant ripe banana, and have weird brown stuff on a couple of cupboard doors when done.

Banana Bread from The Silver Palate Cookbook

(with some personal modifications)

1 stick butter 3/4 c. sugar 2 large eggs 1 c. all purpose flour

1 c. whole wheat flour 1 tsp. baking soda 1/2 t. salt 1 tsp. vanilla extract

3 large, ripe bananas, mashed 3/4 c. shelled walnuts, chopped coarsely

Put butter & sugar into medium large bowl and beat with electric beater until light and fluffy. Add eggs and beat until well mixed and light. Add both flours, soda, and salt. Beat again, starting mixer on low speed so flour does not "poof" everywhere. Make sure all dry ingredients are blended into creamed butter/sugar/egg mixture. Add the bananas and vanilla and beat together well. Add nuts and just mix into batter.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees farenheit. Grease a loaf pan, muffin tin for six large muffins. Line the bottom of the loaf pan with parchment or waxed paper to avoid sticking. Pour batter into chosen pan and bake for 50 minutes, or until brown and toothpick stuck in the center comes out clean. Remove from oven and let cool for 10 minutes in pan. Then remove from pan and let cool on rack til room temperature. Put into zip baggie to keep bread moist. Always better the second day as flavors have a chance to bloom and mingle. Makes 1 loaf.

BLEU CHEESE & BACON TART

(not for the timid palette for anyone who does not LOVE bleu cheese)

(from Quiche Me Quick, a self written cookbook by me!)

1 nine inch pie crust or 6 individual ramikins or a 6-unit Texas (large) muffin tin

6 oz. cream cheese (NOT low fat or fat free) 4 oz. bleu cheese 2 T. butter, softened

1/4 c. half & half 3 eggs, beaten well 1/8 t. cayenne 1/4 t. salt

1/8 t. pepper 1 T. chives (fresh and diced small) 8 slices crisply cooked bacon, diced.

Preheat oven to 375 degree. Beat cream cheese in a medium bowl until soft. Crumble in bleu cheese and beat until will blended. Add butter and beat again, incorporating into cheeses. Add half & half, eggs, caynee, salt & pepper. Beat until light and smooth. Stir in chives, except for 2 t. for topping and all but 2 T. of the bacon pieces. Bake for 20 minutes, then reduce heat to 350 and bake for 25 minutes, or until filling is puffed and browned and middle is not wet, but still soft. Remove from oven, and sprinkle with remaining chives and bacon pieces. Let cool completely on rack.

ZUCCHINI & ONION TART

(another great way to use up an abundance of zucchini from your garden)

2 large onions, chopped 4 medium zucchini, diced 1/2 cube butter (1/4 cup)

1/2 lb. Dubliner cheese or any sharp white cheddar, grated 4 eggs beaten well

1/2 t. marjoram salt & pepper to taste 2 c. corn flakes, crushed

Preheat oven to 350 degrees farenheit. Butter pie plate or 8x8 cake pan with 1 T. butter and cover with 1 1/2 c. cornflake crumbs, reserving the rest for topping. Saute onions and zucchini in remaining butter until half cooked, not completely cooked at all as will finish cooking when baked. Add marjoram, salt and pepper to zucchini/onion mixture while cooking. Add cheese to mixture, stir in well, and pour into pie pan on top of cornflake crumbs. Beat eggs until light and fluffy and pour evenly over zucchini mixture in pan. Sprinkle remaining cornflakes over top evenly, and bake until brown. Serves 8 as a side dish, or 4 as a dinner entree.